Last night America watched the 2012 Grammy Awards in hopes of seeing and hearing something they haven’t experienced before. Most of us changed the channel before they got to the Whitney Houston tribute. For those of you who stuck out long enough to watch Adele win more awards than she’s got arms, I commend you. There was no way I was going to sit comfortably on my couch and watch any more than I needed to. Thankfully, I saw just enough to make a list of Grammy performers I’d totally bang.
2012 Grammy Performers I’d Totally Bang
1. Taylor Swift
What a doll. I could honestly watch her sing about boys and strum her guitar with her massively long arms for
hours half an hour. She’s cute as all hell and she’s supremely talented. I mean, if I had hands as big as hers I don’t think I’d be able to all the things she’s done in her career because I’d be way too self-conscious. +1 for inviting the entire farm. -1 for not dancing.
2. Katy Perry
Bitch, what the #@$% are you wearing? You some crazed superhero now? I’ve put up with a lot of crazy pop princesses in my lifetime and right now I just can’t handle another. Blue hair? Fine. Plastic Xena costume? You’ve gone too far… Put on something that accentuates your best assets — like a deep plunging neckline. You know, to best show off your tits. Then just stand on stage and dance suggestively. I don’t want to hear you sing about your ex-husband and how he didn’t take his half of your money. I already figured he was retarded.
Mmm… Rihanna #GoodGod