Election Day is tomorrow. And like every night for me while still in high school, I’ve waited until the very last minute before doing my homework. After all, procrastination is the “American Way”, amirite?
By now, many of you have already made up your minds about who you plan on filling in that little bubble for tomorrow. But for those of you still on the fence about who you plan on voting for in what has certainly shaped up to be one of the closest elections in recent memory, you could do worse than brushing up on some politics — with NoRubbers.
Three and a half things you should probably know:
Follow the signs and you’ll end up here. Eventually
1. Voting is your God-given right. Whether you believe in the spiteful God that killed his only son, the eight-legged blue elephant, or the space aliens from Hollywood, as long as you’re an American citizen, you have the unalienable right to have a voice in deciding who leads this great nation we call America. So, don’t take the right to vote lightly. A lot of people have died fighting to protect that right and a lot more people probably died fighting to get us those school days off. Get out of the house or office or wherever you may spend wasting away your mornings and take a stroll to your nearest polling station. There will be signs. Follow them. Then take advantage of that time out by popping your head into a nearby watering hole and celebrate the fact that you can leave your job to do something as simple as filling in a bubble with a No. 2 pencil. Or don’t vote. Apathy is just as American as hypocrisy.
Thinking about voting for the black guy?
Or the guy who believes Utah is the best state ever?
2. Know your candidates. There is nothing more dangerous than an uneducated populace. Being ignorant about the issues and problems facing America today is just as bad as being born in a third-world country. It’s probably worse. But that’s why we have so many news channels. In fact, we have so many different news channels that it’s impossible to find one that you don’t agree with. So get educated on the issues. Know your candidates and their party’s stances. Know what you’re getting us all into before you go ahead and make that decision. Need a quick and easy reminder on the candidates? Mitt Romney is the Mormon. Barack Obama was already president once. Easy, right?
Mamacita wants you to vote
3. The election will be won in states that don’t really count. A lot of people make a fuss about how important it is to win this state or that state. I call bullshit. Mostly because it’s always the five same states that decide an election: Ohio, Florida, Nevada, Iowa, and whichever one you want out of the Dakotas. Basically, America’s next President will be decided by parts of the country where people still root for the Cleveland Browns, where DUIs are a rite of passage, and where prostitution is sorta legal. These states could secede from the Union and we’d be better off for it because our average reading grade level would rise dramatically. Want a battleground state to keep an eye on so that you sound smart at your way-too-excited friend’s election night party? Arizona. Why? Figure all those kids whose parents crossed the border are now legal voting age, and it’s not like they’ve got shit else to do in Arizona on a Tuesday.
3½. You can always leave if you don’t like the result.
Important that you read this… just in case
Don’t forget your passport
And remember to leave yourself with enough time to get through security
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