This past week, we saw the opening of many of our country’s finest institutions. Higher learning has never looked as inviting as it does today for so many of our brightest and most talented.
Welcome to College
Miss it yet?
The opportunities today are truly endless.
But college, as they say, is what you make of it. All those hours spent in the library were well worth it now that you’re out there in the real world, raking in the big bucks in your Liz Clairborne slacks staring down an Excel sheet longer than your cock. Yup, I bet all of yous are having those same exact thoughts at this very moment.
Too bad you didn’t make it into an Ivy League like your parents hoped you would. At least then you could’ve made something outta yourself. Instead of that cool grey suit with matching shirt and tie, you could be rocking the latest in orange jumpsuits.
If there’s one thing you can learn at an Ivy League school, it’s how to deal drugs.
Four Ivy League schools I plan on sending my bastard kids to:
Yale University has been competing hat-in-hand with Harvard since britches were in style. Never the bride, always the bridesmaid. Consistently ranked as one of the leading universities in the world, Yale prides itself on being one of the most elitist bunch of sacks around. Home to the No. 1 Law School in all the land, all that book-learning would surely come in handy come sentencing time.
Boyz N The Hood
Why Yale? Located in New Haven, CT, ranked as the 4th most dangerous city in the U.S., Yale University is surrounded by guns, drugs, and murder. A fertile breeding ground for my degenerate offspring to learn the wares of the game. Maybe, if they’re lucky, they could end up like Robert Peace — a biochemistry graduate who used his Ivy League education to bring in $1,000 a day in marijuana sales before he was fatally shot in a grow-home in Newark, NJ. Oh, and guess what else is so great about Yale? They’ll help pay for your Financial Aid if you get caught with drugs! A great selling point considering I won’t be contributing a dime to my kids’ tuition.
Where kids go just so they can say they went to an Ivy League school, Cornell is like the
black child red-headed stepchild of the family. They just can’t do nothing right, from starting up a hotel management school in the middle of Ithaca, NY to a world-renowned manure plant, it’s no wonder why so many Cornell students commit suicide by jumping into the famed Ithaca Gorges.
Cornell drug dealer and empowered female Keri Blakinger
Why Cornell? While my seed may develop the biggest chip on his or her shoulder by attending Cornell, at least I’ll know Cornell’s black market is an equal opportunity employer. Take Cornell senior Keri Blakinger in 2010. Caught with $150,000 in uncut heroin, Keri Blakinger was an Olympic figure skater hopeful before she ultimately failed in life and went to Rutgers, before transferring to Cornell where she went on to become Queen Bee of a heroin pushing drug den. Oh, and she also contributed to the school paper! Extracurriculars look great on the resumé. Nice job Keri!
One of the most prestigious institutions in the country, Columbia University is also probably the one Ivy League school I could see myself at. Based in New York City, Columbia is an island of its own compared to the other Ivy League schools. In fact, they are probably the most tolerable of the bunch.
Why Columbia? No other school on this list made bigger headlines than Columbia this past year, year and a half. With “Operation Ivy League” and “The Columbia Five” dominating headlines, you’ve already grown familiar with their frat boy escapades by now. According to the feds, Columbia’s most popular Bros dealt ecstasy, Adderall, cocaine, LSD, and marijuana through their fraternities. Hopefully all that ass paddling and goat #@$%ing taught them to keep their mouths shut. Sounds like a movie idea right? Well, I’ve already got the script written. If you’re an agent or producer, call me. Let’s make a #@$%ing movie.
Ah, the one Ivy League I did apply to. I didn’t get in. Thank heavens. Although, had I known that Darmouth College was the inspiration for Animal House‘s fictional Faber College, I probably would’ve tried harder during my interview. Boozing and shenanigans are right up my alley!
Dartmouth's Top Chef
Why Dartmouth? Well, where else can I send my spawn to learn basic chemistry and how to apply it to crystal meth production? Any school really. But where could I send my bastard kid to where he could successfully sell meth out of his dorm room? As a graduate student? Imagine my kid selling glass from the day he steps onto campus until he receives a Ph.D. in badass-ology. If there exists the remote possibility that my no-good kid could become the real-life Walter White or even a Jesse Pinkman, then shit, I’m gonna take it!