Hurricane Superstorm Sandy was no joke. It really #@$%ed shit up. Neighborhoods have been burned to the ground. Businesses have had to close up shop. And yuppies have had to move back home until their power comes back on. Shit has hit the fan and it is not pretty.
But as the eternal optimist, I always strive to look at things on the bright side. And on the bright side, at least we can learn a few things from the aftermath.
Four and a half things Superstorm Sandy taught us about New York City:
No one will be early to work until the trains come back on line
1. New York City is on an island. Nothing has demonstrated this very simple but completely mind-blowing fact moreso than the morning commute. In the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, which caused severe flooding in several train stations connecting Manhattan to Brooklyn and Queens, New York City’s dependancy on public transportation has never been more apparent. And if you think you can just hop into your car and zip along a bridge to get into the city, think again. Because I tried that and ended up pissing into a half-empty Gatorade bottle while waiting to hop onto the Brooklyn Bridge which only took about say… 2½ hours. No joke. Not lying about pissing in the bottle either.
“Oh, you gangster?”
2. Kids between the ages of 5 and 18 need to be locked up in school until at least 3PM. What the #@$% has been happening to kids these days? Not only are they #@$%ing with phones at a much earlier age than I ever did, but they are also straight #@$%ing shit up. Whether it’s their grades or their futures, kids these days are straight #@$%ing shit up. Which goddamn, I wanted to smack the stupid out of a 15 year old but didn’t because there are laws against that sort of thing. All NYC public schools have been closed for the entire week since the storm made its beeline straight for the East Coast. And leaving this generation of kids to their own
devices vices is asking for trouble. You thought vodka soaked tampons were bad? Wait until you hear what happened during their Halloween. Seriously, just lock them in the schools. They’ll figure shit out.
Always on call. No days off. Got them “Spiderbags”!
3. Drug dealers were the only people to show up to work on time yesterday. Which, if you ever called a drug dealer, is to say that they were late. Because when is a drug dealer ever on time? But even though they’re always late, there is nothing more reliable than a delivery service, even in times of a natural disaster. I mean, all you gotta do is call up your guy, find something to do for about an hour or two and then wait for him to show up. Which was probably around 30 minutes more than it should ever be but hey, unless they were driving around in a yellow cab, drug dealers might’ve been the only motorists out in the streets yesterday. That and cops. Mad cops, yo.
New Jersey’s coast got slammed by Sandy
4. New York City still don’t give a #@$% about Jersey. There is no denying the scope of damage that Frankenstorm Sandy unleashed upon the city of New York. And we’re only now getting back to some semblance of normality. But at least we’re not New Jersey because New Jersey got hit hard. Jersey Shore? Gone. Atlantic City? Halfway into the ocean. President Obama paid a visit to the devastated state, which is like rubbernecking on the highway, but there isn’t much he can do except offer some free hugs. And God bless him but if you really want to help New Jersey get back on its feet, I’d suggest you have the cast of Jersey Shore to do the heavy lifting. GTL, bro.
4½. New York City ain’t ready for no zombie apocalypse.
“Free shuttle service?!”
“Why is my office open today? Why?!”
“I can not wait for my lunch break”
Seriously though, I hope everyone is okay. Be safe!