Tag Archives: Lesson Learned

11½ Foods Every Woman Should Be Eating More Of

Posted on December 7, 2012 by | 1 Comment

Eating is important. That’s why I’m encouraging every girl out there to read this list and to take the advice to heart. No one likes a fat chick. But no one likes a malnourished chick even more. Believe that.

12 Foods Every Woman Should Be Eating More Of:

phallic-foods-chicks-1-banana

1. Bananas

1. Bananas. Bananas are a great source of nutrients and vitamins and all that good stuff your body so desperately needs. Packed with potassium and fiber, bananas are a great source of nutrients that are kind of hard to find in a bag of chips, a cup of coffee, or the bottom of your wine glass.

2. Cucumbers

2. Cucumbers

2. Cucumbers. Cucumbers are awesome. They’re green, so that must mean that they’re good for you. They pack a lot of water and have almost no flavor. So if you find yourself stuffing your face with a whole bunch of cucumbers, don’t feel bad because there’s no sugar, no carbs, and no worries.

phallic-foods-chicks-3-carrots

3. Carrots

3. Carrots. Carrots are the garden vegetables’ ginger cousin. They’re sometimes cool but never the first choice to go home with. They take some work as you’ve got to wash them and peel them before you can snack on them. But once you’re biting into a crisp carrot, you’re loading your body with carotene which in turn turns into vitamin A when inside you.

4. Jalapeños

4. Jalapeños

4. Jalapeños. These tiny peppers are great for your digestion. They ensure that your body is working right and while they may be painful going in, they’re worth the pain. They can be served in a variety of ways but we recommend raw.

5. Pickles

5. Pickles

5. Pickles. Pickles are made from cucumbers. So basically you’re eating a cucumber that’s been cured in brine and vinegar. That’s awesome.

phallic-foods-chicks-6-corn-dog

6. Corn Dogs

6. Corn Dogs. Corn dogs are not the healthiest food out there, but they’re everyone’s favorite treat. Corn dogs are hot dogs dipped in cornmeal then deep fried in oil. It doesn’t get any more American than that, amirite? Just don’t eat too much of them. One at a time.

7. Hot Dogs

7. Hot Dogs

7. Hot Dogs. Hot dogs get a bad rap. Yes, they’re the leftover meat encased in a rubbery skin, but goddamn if they aren’t the most delicious unhealthy thing on this list.

8. Cheese Doodles

8. Cheez Doodles

8. Cheez Doodles. You should always treat yourselves. And cheez doodles are perfect. Crunchy, puffy, and cheesy all at the same damn time. Incredible!

9. Chocolate Eclair

9. Chocolate Eclairs

9. Chocolate Eclairs. For those of you who like fancy desserts, then the chocolate eclair is for you. A choux dough pastry delight filled with cream and dripping with icing, the chocolate eclair has proven to be one of the world’s most beloved sweets.

10. Ice Cream Cone

10. Ice Cream Cones

10. Ice Cream Cones. Nothing like a messy, creamy treat. Yum! A great source of sugar, milk, and waffle cone. Share one with a friend.

phallic-foods-chicks-11-lollipop

11. Lollipops

11. Lollipops. I’m a sucka for a girl who enjoys a good sucker. Say that five times fast. Then treat yourself to everyone’s favorite candy. They may cause cavities or they may not, I’m not entirely sure. I mean, dentists seem to give it out all the time. So yeah, suck away.

11½. Popsicles. They look like dicks.

12. Popsicles

Sucky sucky

12. Popsicles

I would totally date a girl with a tongue like that

14. Popsicles

Firecracker Popsicle gangbang

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3½ Ways To Get Rid Of All Your Thanksgiving Leftovers

Posted on November 23, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Thanksgiving is great.

Any holiday that celebrates America’s talent for never settling for anything less than excess is pretty damn close to the perfect holiday to me. And nothing reminds us of how much we love being gluttonous animals than waking up from a food coma only to find more #@$%in’ turkey, more ham, more asparagus, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and a little bit of gravy just sitting there in your fridge.  So, what to do with the leftovers?

Three and a half ways to get rid of all your Thanksgiving leftovers:

My grandma always said, “Choking on a bone is good luck”

1. Throw everything into a pot and make a stew. Everyone likes stews. Stews are easy to make. Just throw all that shit into a pot, bones and everything, and you’ve got the easiest meal you’ll have ever made. Historically, this is what stews have always been — a sloppy, soupy mix of leftovers that your grandma was too cheap to throw out. And boy, were they good.

Nothing says American Exceptionalism like a big-ass sandwich

2. Make a big-ass sandwich. Fire up a skillet, throw some olive oil on it, and a little bit of garlic before you throw on a healthy serving of leftover turkey, ham, and some veggies. Throw some mashed potatoes and stuffing into a pot, maybe a little mac & cheese (if you’re lucky) and you’ve got the makings of a sandwich that even Man v. Food wouldn’t be able to take down. Toast up some thick slices of Texas Toast and all you’ll need to do after that is throw some gravy on that bitch. And don’t forget the cranberry sauce.

Mmmm… mashed potatoes and gravy smoothie. With Whey protein!

3. Make a smoothie. You’re lazy. That’s why you’re eating leftovers, because you don’t want to throw all that food out and have to cook something from scratch. So, be even lazier and just throw all your leftovers into a blender and hit a button. Smoothies are great, especially if you can’t chew since your uncle dislocated your jaw after you got into an argument over who would win in in a fist fight between Lady GaGa and Justin Bieber. Yeah, I come from a long line of degenerates.

3½. Give it to a homeless person.

“Can I at least get a real fork and knife. What is this plastic shit?”

“My platoon’s short-order cook could make better stuffing than this”

“Even bag ladies gotta eat”

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Whether Democrat Or Republican, I Think We Can All Agree That “America, @#$% Yeah!!!”

Posted on November 7, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Last night proved to be as good as advertised.

With President Obama’s historic re-election, our country moves forward as it tries to right itself after a debilitating economic collapse, a costly war, and years of bickering between the two major parties. While we may have a long road ahead of us, we can only hope for the best, as the next four years will be tantamount to shaping the direction in which America goes from here.

Thankfully, some states showed us that democracy is still very awesome.

I be after that green

1. Colorado and Washington legalize marijuana for recreational use. In order for us to dig ourselves out of the financial hole that a war in Iraq, a housing collapse, a stock market shitstorm, and an auto-industry bail-out have gotten us into, we need to raise taxes. Unfortunately, Americans are known for not wanting to pay taxes (we started our great country because we didn’t want to pay no tax on some goddamn tea). So, Colorado and Washington did the next best thing which was to create a brand new source of tax revenue. Colorado’s Amendment 64 and Washington’s Initiative 502 essentially legalize marijuana for recreational use, at the state level. Meaning that the feds can still come busting up head shops and grow houses but local and state law enforcement will not. It also means that money will finally be added to a state’s budget after it finalizes a tax scheme that will most likely tax marijuana consumers three times (manufacturing, packaging, retail). And Colorado and Oregon aren’t the only ones to have been so ambitious, as Oregon tried but failed to pass a similar vote while Massachusetts passed its own medical marijuana act. Like alcohol has proven, there is a ton of money to be made in legalizing own’s vices but Barack Obama has been very spotty in regards to marijuana enforcement, so Colorado is taking a wait and see approach. But the important takeaway here is that Americans have spoken and they want that #goodshit. Mary Jane FTW.

They may just play lesbians on TV, but I imagine every gay wedding to look like this

2. The gays will continue their fight to get married. Add three more states to the “good guys” as Maine and Maryland passed measures legalizing same-sex unions, while Minnesota rejected an amendment defining marriage as that between a man and a woman. You might be able to throw in another but Washington is still counting its results in regards to a law allowing gay marriages (so far it’s winning 52% to 48%), so sit tight and cross your fingers. If Washington passes its voter referendum, consider it a huge win for hot lesbians everywhere as that will make it 20 states that have legalized same-sex union. And as the first President to have come out in support of same-sex unions and marriage, Barack Obama may well see a lot more states change their stance on gays getting hitched. Expect divorce rates to stay exactly the same.

3. Re-elections make for the best memes.

Don’t forget that it was the Democrats who invented the internet.

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3½ Things You Should Probably Know Before Voting Tomorrow

Posted on November 5, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Election Day is tomorrow. And like every night for me while still in high school, I’ve waited until the very last minute before doing my homework. After all, procrastination is the “American Way”, amirite?

By now, many of you have already made up your minds about who you plan on filling in that little bubble for tomorrow. But for those of you still on the fence about who you plan on voting for in what has certainly shaped up to be one of the closest elections in recent memory, you could do worse than brushing up on some politics — with NoRubbers.

Three and a half things you should probably know:

Follow the signs and you’ll end up here. Eventually

1. Voting is your God-given right. Whether you believe in the spiteful God that killed his only son, the eight-legged blue elephant, or the space aliens from Hollywood, as long as you’re an American citizen, you have the unalienable right to have a voice in deciding who leads this great nation we call America. So, don’t take the right to vote lightly. A lot of people have died fighting to protect that right and a lot more people probably died fighting to get us those school days off. Get out of the house or office or wherever you may spend wasting away your mornings and take a stroll to your nearest polling station. There will be signs. Follow them. Then take advantage of that time out by popping your head into a nearby watering hole and celebrate the fact that you can leave your job to do something as simple as filling in a bubble with a No. 2 pencil. Or don’t vote. Apathy is just as American as hypocrisy.

Thinking about voting for the black guy?

Or the guy who believes Utah is the best state ever?

2. Know your candidates. There is nothing more dangerous than an uneducated populace. Being ignorant about the issues and problems facing America today is just as bad as being born in a third-world country. It’s probably worse. But that’s why we have so many news channels. In fact, we have so many different news channels that it’s impossible to find one that you don’t agree with. So get educated on the issues. Know your candidates and their party’s stances. Know what you’re getting us all into before you go ahead and make that decision. Need a quick and easy reminder on the candidates? Mitt Romney is the Mormon. Barack Obama was already president once. Easy, right?

Mamacita wants you to vote

3. The election will be won in states that don’t really count. A lot of people make a fuss about how important it is to win this state or that state. I call bullshit. Mostly because it’s always the five same states that decide an election: Ohio, Florida, Nevada, Iowa, and whichever one you want out of the Dakotas. Basically, America’s next President will be decided by parts of the country where people still root for the Cleveland Browns, where DUIs are a rite of passage, and where prostitution is sorta legal. These states could secede from the Union and we’d be better off for it because our average reading grade level would rise dramatically. Want a battleground state to keep an eye on so that you sound smart at your way-too-excited friend’s election night party? Arizona. Why? Figure all those kids whose parents crossed the border are now legal voting age, and it’s not like they’ve got shit else to do in Arizona on a Tuesday.

3½. You can always leave if you don’t like the result.

Important that you read this… just in case

Don’t forget your passport

And remember to leave yourself with enough time to get through security

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The Five Rules For Growing A Moustache For Movember

Posted on November 2, 2012 by | Leave a comment

November is officially Movember.

Be a man. Grow a moustache

Starting in 2004, in Australia and New Zealand, the Movember Foundation has aimed to raise awareness and funds for men’s health issues. By 2007, the Movember Foundation had reached Europe, North America, and South Africa. And in 2012, the Movember Foundation was named one of the Top 100 NGOs in the world by the Global Journal.

Movember’s goal is neatly summed up by their mission statement which is to “change the face of Men’s Health”. Their efforts cover a wide range of issues affecting men and their bodies, such as raising awareness for testicular cancer, increasing early detection, and encouraging men to live a healthier lifestyle.

For the month of November Movember, the foundation encourages “Mo Bros” to grow moustaches in order to raise awareness and funds for prostate cancer. First, you will need to register before following these five simple rules:

1. You will grow a moustache for the entire month of November Movember

2. You will not connect your mo’s handlebars to your chin (no goatees)

3. No matter how cool it may look, you will not connect with your sideburns (no beards)

4. You will groom the moustache regularly

And if you will ask for help if needed

5. You will conduct yourself as a true gentleman (because ladies love the ‘stache)

When it starts to itch, just remember that it’s for a good cause

Visit Movember.com for more on how you can change the face of men’s health.

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4½ Things Superstorm Sandy Taught Us About New York City

Posted on November 1, 2012 by | Leave a comment

Hurricane Superstorm Sandy was no joke. It really #@$%ed shit up. Neighborhoods have been burned to the ground. Businesses have had to close up shop. And yuppies have had to move back home until their power comes back on. Shit has hit the fan and it is not pretty.

But as the eternal optimist, I always strive to look at things on the bright side. And on the bright side, at least we can learn a few things from the aftermath.

Four and a half things Superstorm Sandy taught us about New York City:

No one will be early to work until the trains come back on line

1. New York City is on an island. Nothing has demonstrated this very simple but completely mind-blowing fact moreso than the morning commute. In the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, which caused severe flooding in several train stations connecting Manhattan to Brooklyn and Queens, New York City’s dependancy on public transportation has never been more apparent. And if you think you can just hop into your car and zip along a bridge to get into the city, think again. Because I tried that and ended up pissing into a half-empty Gatorade bottle while waiting to hop onto the Brooklyn Bridge which only took about say… 2½ hours. No joke. Not lying about pissing in the bottle either.

“Oh, you gangster?”

2. Kids between the ages of 5 and 18 need to be locked up in school until at least 3PM. What the #@$% has been happening to kids these days? Not only are they #@$%ing with phones at a much earlier age than I ever did, but they are also straight #@$%ing shit up. Whether it’s their grades or their futures, kids these days are straight #@$%ing shit up. Which goddamn, I wanted to smack the stupid out of a 15 year old but didn’t because there are laws against that sort of thing. All NYC public schools have been closed for the entire week since the storm made its beeline straight for the East Coast. And leaving this generation of kids to their own devices vices is asking for trouble. You thought vodka soaked tampons were bad? Wait until you hear what happened during their Halloween. Seriously, just lock them in the schools. They’ll figure shit out.

Always on call. No days off. Got them “Spiderbags”!

3. Drug dealers were the only people to show up to work on time yesterday. Which, if you ever called a drug dealer, is to say that they were late. Because when is a drug dealer ever on time? But even though they’re always late, there is nothing more reliable than a delivery service, even in times of a natural disaster. I mean, all you gotta do is call up your guy, find something to do for about an hour or two and then wait for him to show up. Which was probably around 30 minutes more than it should ever be but hey, unless they were driving around in a yellow cab, drug dealers might’ve been the only motorists out in the streets yesterday. That and cops. Mad cops, yo.

New Jersey’s coast got slammed by Sandy

4. New York City still don’t give a #@$% about Jersey. There is no denying the scope of damage that Frankenstorm Sandy unleashed upon the city of New York. And we’re only now getting back to some semblance of normality. But at least we’re not New Jersey because New Jersey got hit hard. Jersey Shore? Gone. Atlantic City? Halfway into the ocean. President Obama paid a visit to the devastated state, which is like rubbernecking on the highway, but there isn’t much he can do except offer some free hugs. And God bless him but if you really want to help New Jersey get back on its feet, I’d suggest you have the cast of Jersey Shore to do the heavy lifting. GTL, bro.

4½. New York City ain’t ready for no zombie apocalypse.

“Free shuttle service?!”

“Why is my office open today? Why?!”

“I can not wait for my lunch break”

Seriously though, I hope everyone is okay. Be safe!

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