With Robb Stark making progress towards solidifying his army’s numbers, Daenerys swinging her metaphorical big ass dick around and the Kingslayer finally making his way back home to King’s Landing, the pace has certainly been picking up lately. And this episode certainly moved things along story-wise and for that I’m grateful (“Also, plenty of boobs and dragons never hurt.”).
But, as with all things in life, the more things change, the more they stay the same (“Yet another scene where Theon is tortured? Even more Ygritte and Jon Snow hiking in the woods? Sansa and Margaery walking and talking? Again? C’mon!”).
Game of Thrones: Boobs Recap
Season 3 Episode 7
We start off with more of the same as Ygritte and Jon Snow have made it over The Wall and are about a week away from The North. I say “more of the same” only because most scenes involving Ygritte and Jon Snow now break down into “she teases him while he pouts” — which is only tolerable because they’re like that couple you love to hate (“Or hate to love.”).
But as long as Ygritte keeps it cute (“Left foot, right foot. Left foot, right foot.”), I’ll keep watching.
And that goddamned tongue!
After our little rendezvous near The Wall, we pop in on King Robb’s progress towards solidifying his army. But he’s got sex on his brain and even though he’s late he’s in no rush to meet Walder Frey (“I wouldn’t be either if I was humping Charlie Chaplin’s granddaughter!”). I think this will come back to bite him in the ass which HBO so graciously forced us watch by also including Charlie Chaplin’s perfect butt cheeks in there as well (“HBO is run by geniuses I tell ya.”).
Talisa gives Robb that good sex, so it should come as no surprise as to why Robb has been mismanaging his war campaign so badly. And now that she’s told him some rather big news, I really can’t see things ending well for this couple.
But #DatAss (“Them Charlie Chaplin genes.”).
And then that little bed hump? GAH!
Now, Game of Thrones wouldn’t be the show that it is without some high-stakes politicking and subtle death threats. So, imagine the joy when we finally got the scene where Joffrey decides he’s going to boss his very powerful and very scary grandfather around. Things did not go so well for Joffrey (“Boy got pwned!”).
It’s kind of hard to hate a badass as badass as Tywin Lannister.
And since Tyrion is his son, it makes sense that he’s pretty slick himself. Also, great bro scene between Tyrion and Bronn again. It’s been a while.
Then we zoom out to catch Tyrion’s soon to be reluctant bride, Sansa. She’s crying (“Naturally.”) and complaining (“Duh.”) about her upcoming nuptials to Lady Margaery. Now, this was pretty much the same scene we’ve seen between these two characters since the season premiere but this had a little more meat to it since it showed just how naive Sansa was while also showing just how experienced Margaery was (“And by experienced, I’m calling her a huge slut.”).
Sansa & Margaery +1 (“Amazing Mother’s Day joke!)
After that little walk in the garden, we fly over into foreign territory to check up on our girl Daenerys Targaryen. She’s looking super yummy and super focused (“Like Game 6-’Do or Die’ focused.”). And when she’s not making not-so-subtle threats to slave owners, she’s petting her now very scary-looking dragons.
Dragons +1 Bajillion
With dragons off the list of “Things we need to see this week on GoT”, it’s time for boobs!
This scene, yet another where Theon is tortured, wasn’t so bad even though it did almost nothing in bringing us any closer to the end (“But it had boobs!”). Watching the entire scene, multiple times, I cringed thinking of how much it must’ve sucked to be Theon. Not because of how it ended, but because it involved the one thing that most any straight male wouldn’t be able to resist — whores.
Theon’s Torture Whores -1 Bajillion (“She’s shy…”)
And that ass grab?
You’re cold-blooded, bro. Cold-blooded.
And since this was a pretty solid episode, we’ll end it by visiting the artist formerly known as The Kingslayer doing his best hero impersonation. But first, look at that nub!
Sometimes, when you’ve been bad your whole life, all it really takes to change the way people look at you is jumping into a ring with an angry bear.
source= Uproxx, Photoshop