Team America may have lost, but at least our women left the field with their heads held high — knowing that they are still the hottest team of female athletes this side of pre-pubescent Chinese gymnasts.
With ice water running through her veins, Abby Wambach is the perfect mix of cool calm leadership and creative scoring. While she may have lost the World Cup, she won over our hearts… Too bad she still runs like a girl.
Abby Wambach — Would you…with no rubbers?
Broad shoulders, thunder thighs, crooked noses, and all — I love me a soccer girl.
Team America has a great chance to get one step closer to ripping off their jerseys and getting jiggy with it — just like 1999. Hoping to inspire future generations of girls who look incredible in knee high socks, this team will have all eyes on today’s World Cup match against those frogs from Versailles.
To celebrate how far these broads have come:
Team America, we salute you
A Gallery of USWNT Players Doing Things You Can’t Possibly Do:
FIFA’s Women’s World Cup kicked off this weekend in Germany. Team America has yet to play, but are heavily favored — since we’re always pretty #@$%in’ good, year in, year out. Women’s Soccer is probably the closest thing to a legitimate sport that females have in this world. You know, since mud wrestling doesn’t really count. (What do you mean wrassling is fake?!)
Now, I’m not saying that there isn’t such a thing as female athletes. That’d be sexist and chauvinistic. For two years, I worked for my school’s Women’s Soccer team. And in those two years I’ve seen some girls do some incredible things. Things I’m embarrassed to say that I can’t do. Like looking good while sweating… Wearing nothing but a training bra… And rubbing Lotromin Ultra all over my pedicured toes. Man, I miss those bus rides that smelled like crotch rot. But alas, those stories are for another time. Brush up on your women’s soccer knowledge, yo!
Four and a half things you should probably know:
1. USA is up against a lot of pressure. While Team America may have the best collection of talent in the World, don’t underestimate the power of two-time defending Wold Cup champs Germany… Or the world’s greatest player Marta who plays for a Brazil that’s desperate for a World Cup championship… Add a Canadian squad eager to test its mettle and you’ve got a recipe for a let-down. Team USA is facing a lot of pressure after its unceremonious exit in 2007, but that’s okay because Nike ads tell us that “Pressure Makes Us”. Team America always looks sharp on the big stage and there might not be any stage bigger than this year’s World Cup.
Alex Morgan likes to kick balls
2. Alex Morgan is the next Mia Hamm. While the WNT (Women’s National Team) will look towards Abby Wambach to lead the team (Third all-time in scoring), all eyes will be on Alex Morgan. As the youngest and newest member of the team, Morgan brings speed and scoring ability off the bench. Having scored 7 goals in 16 games and saving the US after her game-winning goal against Italy last year, Alex Morgan is ready to get some serious burn on the sport’s biggest stage. She’s also a bonafide hottie.
with no rubbers?
the chronic fornicator
pudge NASTY
