We Are All Witnesses

Jeter:A-Rod :: Wade:______

I love analogies. Especially ones that are as easy as this one.

Stop smiling. No one likes you.

It’s taken some time for me to grasp what the hell was going on Thursday night. Night of the self-appointed “The Decision“. I missed the entire segment that will forever be remembered as one of the worst train-wrecks in broadcasting history, due to MTA train delays. Thank God. I had a lot more fun imagining what LeBron James could have prepared for an hour long special. I imagined an hour’s worth of of highlight reels. An hour’s worth of dunks from the free throw line. An hour’s worth of stand-up. I even imagined LeBron James reading down the list of possible NBA teams and reasons why he would not be playing for them next year. Chicago… Will always be living in Jordan’s shadow. Newark… Not moving to Brooklyn anytime soon. L.A… There’s another team in L.A.? Anything could have been better than what was actually being aired. I’d have much rather seen LeBron run those Boy and Girls Club kids through lay-up drills rather than have him sit there across from lap dog Jim Gray. It was a full-on blowjob for one of the most gifted freaks of nature that our country had raised. As soon as we find a truly gifted individual, we just can’t say no to them. We pamper them. Cater to their every need. Then ask where we went wrong. And that’s where we’ve failed as a society.

LeBron, what the fuck were you thinking? According to L.A. Times writer Patrick Goldstein, LeBron’s entourage is an entourage of yes-men, groupies, hanger-ons. Vultures. No one in that circle had the power to sway LeBron and say, “Bronny, this is a bad move.” C’mon, not even your mom couldn’t stop you? Well, at least now we know all those years in Cleveland you were just cultivating an image. Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes. I always knew there was something off about you, like you were trying too hard. Well that image that you so meticulously created has been shattered. If Tiger Woods could crack, you had to know it wasn’t going to last long. Not with you at the helm and with no one to keep you in check. Yeah, we get it. You want to win. But why have a press conference to announce that? One where you showed no regret for leaving Cleveland, a city you praised no matter how bad we know it is. A city that tried to get you that second player. You gave them two years after you had brought the Cavs to the Finals all by yourself. And now…

Losing sucks. We get it.

LeBron, what the fuck were you thinking? I know you’re a grown ass man and all, but really? I forgave you for having more SI covers in high school than I did in my lifetime. I forgave you for your 24-7 smile and happy-go-lucky act. I forgave you for never winning a championship with your hometown team. I even forgave you for trying to hide a video of you getting dunked on by a college kid. But this… this I cannot forgive. I can understand you not being able to handle the lights playing for NY. I can understand you getting frustrated with not having a solid team around you. But what I can’t understand is why you would go on national TV, with the swarmiest smile on your face to say you’re leaving to win rings, happy to be playing 1b to Wade’s 1a.

I thought you were the man. The Chosen 1. The next coming. You acquiesced and happily gave up that crown to join a player who’s already won a ring. You really need two other franchise players to help you win a goddamn ring? It’s not going to get any easier. You’ve got a target on your back now. You’re no longer “The King”.

You could have taken the most money staying with Cleveland and no one would have blinked. You could have went to NY and brought a basketball renaissance back into the greatest city in the world. You could have gone to Chicago and surpassed The Legend. You could have been a hero. A real winner. But you chose to pass up on all of that.

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

I hope you and Bosh are happy taking orders from Wade. I hope you enjoy playing second fiddle for the rest of your career. I hope you realize you will never have reached your full potential. And I hope you never make that billion dollars. You don’t deserve it. The GOATs stick it out and develop a jump shot. Because they need to. Because they want to. You’re obviously happy not to. Good luck in Miami.

I hear Michael Beasley’s tattoo artist can cover up that back tat of yours for cheap.