Michigan Settles For The Fat Girl

Brady Hoke will be the Head Coach for Michigan football next season.

Allow that to sink in for a minute. Then curse, scream, cry, pray – whatever gets you through the night. Michigan, the most all-time winningest program in college football history with 884, settled for the fat girl. Michigan is like the high school jock who used to be something. Until he decided to experiment with harder, faster times. It didn’t work out. It was never going to work out. It started amid controversy, rumors swirled, so of course it would end in a spectacular crash and burn sequence. Now the fading star has decided to go back to the warm, comfortable, oversized breasts of the fat girl.

courtesy of Dhar Vader & Baby Bro

Michigan fans are arrogant. We’re spoiled brats. We’re used to winning and winning feels good. If you won as much as we did, if you created as much history as we did, if you suckled from the sweet breast of victory as much as we did, you’d be an arrogant asshole too. So what? Sue us. Winning is better than any drug you can find on the corner. And Michigan chased that dragon for as long as we could until we just ran out of gas. That’s probably the best way to sum up what happened by 2007. Lloyd Carr simply ran out of juice and recruiting suffered as a result of that. We were still able to haul in some impressive players but everyone in Ann Arbor saw it was time for a change. We hadn’t beaten that school from that place since 2004.

So Michigan went in a new direction. Pinned the hopes of our program on the exciting promise of slot-sized receivers and running backs who’d be able to ninja stunt their way across the field for touchdowns. We went after the girl who promised us a wild ride back to the top.

And that’s all you really want – a return to the top. Because being on top is always more fun. We hoped change would come fast because we had grown so comfortable to winning 8 games year in, year out. But realists know that nothing good ever comes without taking time. The most valuable commodity in the world and we didn’t have enough of it.

The ride with RichRod was bumpy. Some really depressing lows, and some really amazing #$@%ing highs. Those small glimpses of what could have been made breaking up that much harder. Do you keep going even if you see that it might end in a nasty breakup? You could have been a better person after your experiences but do you risk that? Since when did taking a risk become a bad thing? Since when did trying to work through things become a bad idea? Think about the kids, goddamnit!