“What’s wrong with the Jersey Shore?”
Body mass. Fist pumps. Rum-Ham.
A seemingly simple question posed by The Gang before they set off to show us the answer to just what the hell is wrong with the Jersey Shore.
By opening up with Frank, Mac, and Charlie burning up old garbage that’s “just taking up space” (that old garbage being photo albums of Dee and Dennis’s childhood trips down to the Jersey Shore), we are thrown into the early stages of vacation planning for The Gang. Nothing like a good burning to get the ball rolling on a vacation, amiright?
While Dee and Dennis hold a special place in their hearts for the Jersey Shore, Frank and Mac are not as enthused to be vacationing at a place where “sweaty guidos are getting hopped up on energy drinks and giving each other diseases”. Charlie’s never seen the ocean, so it’s quickly decided — The Gang is heading to the Jersey Shore. Cue theme song.
Before The Gang decides to split up, they drop their stuff off at the All Star Inn (now offering free HBO, CNN, and weird smells). Dee and Dennis will show Charlie around, while Mac and Frank go boozing on the beach. Yes, Dee looks as ridiculous as you’d expect with braided hair and yes, they are drinking from sunscreen bottles. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again:
Philadelphians are just as gross as those trolls from Jersey.
Things aren’t nearly as fun or magical as they remembered for the Reynolds clan. Used syringes, mangy dogs, and a general lack of people make the Jersey Shore about as welcoming as you’d expect… C’mon, it’s Jersey!
Visiting the Jersey Shore will do this to you
While Charlie discovers the joys of the sea creatures of the ocean, Dennis and Dee ditch him to explore the boardwalk. Mac and Frank camp out on the beach to get “ham-mered” on a ham soaked in booze. “Rum-Ham”! But when the dogs get too close, Mac and Frank decide the best way to have fun in the sun is on an inflatable raft out at sea. And when the deserted beach gets too depressing, Dennis and Dee take Charlie underneath the boardwalk where they watch two bums buttfucking each other. It’s worth watching. Honestly.
Shenanigans ensue. Dee and Dennis end up in the ER where they meet a Jersey druggie who takes them on a wild ride with her friends in a beat-up old van. They smoke Angel Dust, attempt to rob a store for its beer, kill a doctor, and outrun bullets — ya know, typical Jersey shit. While Mac and Frank are somehow saved at sea by a yacht full of friendly fist-pumping, steroid sticking juiceheads. And perhaps, most heartwarmingly, Charlie runs into The Waitress and shares a magical night with her under the stars. It’s a night that Charlie will never forget thanks to a precious green jewel… or was it a broken Heineken bottle?
Charlie & The Waitress share one magical night together
But when the sun finally comes up, it’s still Jersey and everyone’s ready to leave. Except for Frank and Mac. Guess the cast of Jersey Shore ain’t all that bad.
the chronic fornicator
pudge NASTY
This is a great page! How long have you been writing?