Eastbound & Down Recap: Chapter 13

“The quest is nothing if you’ve got no one to brag about it to. You’ll never reach the end if you’re only doing it for yourself.”

“You’re fucking out – of Mexico!” yells the starstruck border patrol as he lets Kenny Powers back into the states. Having used his celebrity, Kenny successfully smuggles Maria in the back of his truck. Back in the states and already breaking laws! Maria rewards Kenny with some flapping jugs and raised middle fingers as they barrel into Shelby, NC. Home is where the penis sleeps. And for Kenny, his penis has led him straight to April Buchanon. But before he can cozy on up and lay his head in between the sweet bosoms of “Big Tits”, he’s got some catching up to do and announcements to make.

Paying the ol’ Powers clan a visit, Kenny drops in unannounced, as is his style, during somebody’s birthday. His niece Rose doesn’t look too happy to see her foul-mouthed uncle and neither does Dustin’s wife. Irrelevant, as Kenny recaps his misadventures in Mexico to his loyal brother and doting nephews. The family reunion is quickly over though as Kenny’s got a special someone to find.

El schoolo is where Kenny hopes to find the hump that got away and after a great sequence through the halls in his creamy-white “Flama Blanca” outfit, he announces his intentions loud and clear in the school cafeteria. Unfortunately, April is no longer the art teacher at Jefferson Davis Middle School. After an entertaining riff on school lunches and an endorsement for doing drugs, Kenny is ushered out by Principal Cutler. Cutler is not amused but offers to help. Of course he only makes things worse.

Apparently “shit got dark” for April after Kenny ditched her at a gas station in Season 1. Real dark. Now working as a real estate agent with a smooth talking black gentleman, April has got a surprise for Kenny. She’s preggers! Knocked up! Expecting a big, fat, multicultural baby. Or so Kenny thinks. While it’s pretty obvious to us who the baby is, Kenny’s imagination runs at speeds we hope to reach using only the most powerful-est of drugs. Which Kenny resorts to as soon as April tells him to fuck off.

A ride on the fabled jet-ski and a few lines of nose candy can’t rattle the bad feelings. Kenny Powers is crushed and deals with it the only he can – by being an asshole and interrupting his brother’s romantic dinner with his wife. Thankfully Dustin is the only person who can tell Kenny to man up and have him listen. Kenny ultimately decides to move on, let April be, “go on being a baseball player”.

“I guess I should just go be a cold calculated killing machine on the mound. Just striking out idiots joylessly. Just going through the motions. I guess no one loves me and my heart is dead. As they say in Mexico, buenas noches.”

And so begins Kenny’s journey back to glory. The final chapter in what will serve as America’s defining story of one man’s road to redemption.

You wouldn’t really expect Eastbound & Down to leave you on a sour note, would you? Like the “$50 Special” massage at the Korean spa, this one comes with a happy ending. After saying farewell to Stevie, Kenny gives him one last task. He gives Stevie his tapes which he wants delivered to “Double Cannons” “Tits Grande”. April pops them into her car and the healing begins. April confronts Kenny before he’s off to Myrtle Beach and tells him who the baby daddy is. Kenny is left babbling like a three year old. For the first time, he’s speechless. It isn’t long before they agree to catch up over some Mexican. Kenny offers to drive but April declines, as we all know how that ended the last time around.

We leave Season 2 on a much more uplifting note. One that finally reunites our favorite badass with our favorite pair of tits. Looks like tits was the right choice. Tits always wins. Always (So good you need to see it twice. NSFW!).

Hold on to your dicks, because Eastbound & Down is fucking out!

Until next season.