The weather had been nippy for the past couple days, but tonight felt different. There was a real chill in the wind – an angry chill. I pulled up on my jacket collar to protect my fleshy neck as I raced home. After another mindless night of pushing buttons on the cash register and counting out change, I was ready to get home – and eat. A low rumble shook my intestines as I turned the corner. I couldn’t wait to stuff my face, but it was already 11 o’clock and I didn’t feel like standing around cooking up another boring dinner of egg noodles and rubbery chicken. I wanted something more. Something savory. Something that would silence the mean growl creeping up from my empty stomach.
“Sounds like you need some good eats.”
I looked down and saw a spectacularly trashy woman sitting on the curb. She couldn’t have been a day older than 24. Her bright red lipstick was a nice contrast to her dark rimmed glasses. She smelled of two day old cheeseburgers and looked like she had last bathed in a tub of chicken fat. There was a glisten to her skin, like she had smothered herself in bacon before leaving home – if she even had a home… Then she smiled. The smell coming from her mouth was simply magnificent. Her breath smelled of a tangy barbecue. Sweet, sweet B-B-Q. “I know that sound from anywhere. Means you starvin’, sweet pie.”
I knew I should’ve kept walking but I had gone more than an hour since talking to a female. And my dick got a rise out of being called sweet pie by this devilish temptress. Every time she spoke, my mouth watered for more. I let out a friendly grunt.
“Sure thing, sweet pie. Now listen. If you’re lucky you just might catch it. It doesn’t come here often but it sure as hell is worth the wait. Ya dig?”
I dug. My tastebuds were crying mercy and I was in no mood to fight this woman’s advances. I sat down next to her. “Call me Ishmael.”
“My parents named me Morgan. My friends call me Captain. Ironic isn’t it?” It wasn’t. “I’m about to take you on a ride to heaven. So buckle up, sweet pie.”
I smiled. She could’ve led me to jump off a bridge and I would’ve done it. “Got a light?” I reached into my pocket and pulled out my hardpack. She instantly lit up at the sight of the bright yellow AMERICAN SPIRIT box. I lit two cigarettes in my mouth before handing one over to Captain Morgan.
“Ever hear of the legend of Schnitzel & Things?”
I shook my head no.
“Well, where do I start?” She began talking of a meal so appetizing I thought I was reading a Zagat Survey review. A boneless meat thinned out using a mallet, then covered in breadcrumbs and fried. She called it an escalope. I called it a cutlet. We both agreed it was a piece of heaven. She said it came from a truck. A mystical meal on wheels that only showed up if you held your breath long enough and prayed. She talked of how she had been sitting on this dirty curb for hours. After having already spent a large part of her afternoon circling the block in search of said truck. It was her white whale. She was determined to catch it and devour whatever spoils she could with the remaining dollars left in her Ninja Turtle wallet. I laughed before offering to buy her her meal.
That was before we had to wait another grueling hour for that goddamn truck. By then the hunger pangs were stabbing my poor belly and I needed to put something in my mouth. Anything would have done – except a penis. I got up and told Captain Morgan I had enough. I was going into the Korean deli across the street. She grabbed my arm.
“Fuck that! You stayin’ hungry until we catch this fuckin’ truck! I’m not gonna let you just get up and leave without gettin’ a taste of heaven. You’ve come too far to quit now.”
I stared at her in those ridiculously large glasses and knew she was right. “At least tell me it’s real. That you’ve actually seen this truck before. That you’ve eaten a schnitzel.”
“I have, sweet pie,” she looked off into the distance as she said this. For no apparent reason, of course. “I have eaten a schnitzel and it was an orgy in my mouth. My tastebuds did gymnastics with every bite and I cried tears of joy as little pops of deep fried breadcrumb crackled in my mouth. I loved every minute of it and unlike opiates, it got better every single time after. It was the highest high I’ve ever experienced and one I want – no need – need you to understand… Just trust me.”
And with those final words, a bright pair of headlights came pointing in our direction. The White Whale had finally arrived and it was barreling towards us. It knew then and there that it’d be emptied out. Its fate had been written and my first bite was better than heaven -
It was like the first time you penetrated a girl with no rubbers.