Last Ones In Are The First Ones To Get #@$%ed

Pornstar Madness finally gets rolling with the first play-in game. And while most people associate play-in games with the last eight or so to get in (the last ones to the orgy, if you will), we do things differently here at No Rubbers.

Like I always say, the first 9 pornstars to play in are the first ones to get #@$%ed. So don’t get your panties in such a wad when you see these hotties up on the board first. There are some real heavy hitters up on the board and they’re consummate pros. Girls that bring it every time they step on set. They’ve probably bounced on more dicks than your ex-girlfriends combined, so why are they the first ones up?

Because they’re really fun to jerk off to.

Now a lot of you may be asking how do I plan on going about judging the match-ups? Well, the only way to really have this judged in a fairly objective way is to pick a streaming porno video at random featuring said porn star and a dick (or two) and then judging each experience on the following criteria:

• Performance. Does she put her back into it? Is she a screamer? Does she maintain eye contact making me think she made this porno just for me?
• Looks. Is she hot? Does she look hot when she’s taking it in the ass?
• Skill set. How is her overall game? Does she give a sloppy blowjob? Can she deep throat? Does she do anal? Can she squirt? Fisting? Does she do creampies? Will she or won’t she? Spit or swallow?
• XXX-Factor. That little extra something that elevates the porn star’s game to another level. The killer instinct. A certain je nais se quoi. That panache that separates her from the rest. If Simon Cowell made a show, he’d name it XXX-Factor. Someone get me a development deal.

So let’s get to work (all links to videos will be NSFW).

West Bracket – 69th Seed (Last Ones In):

Kelly Divine vs Random Asian Schoolgirl

In the very first match-up we’ve got Random Asian Schoolgirl facing off against Kelly Divine, with the winner of that match-up facing off against Teagan Presley. Random Asian Schoolgirl has been around the block for decades and she brings a certain skill set that few porn starlets can match — consistency, a continually revived vagina, and an outfit that fuels the most basic of male cosplay fantasies. Kelly Divine brings far less to the table. Although that is not to say that the A$$et she does bring isn’t, well, huge. With an ass that routinely comes in measured at 40 inches around, it’s kind of hard to ignore those type of goodies. And it certainly helps that she’s not averse to have some cock rammed up the pooper shooter.

Kelly Divine’s A$$ does not disappoint. It’s huge and if you’re into ass worship, you’re going to enjoy this. She’s cute but not exactly a looker. Let’s just say that you’re not looking up Kelly Divine to look her in the face. She’s much better looking from the back, so if she’s got a weak spot — that’s it. Kind of expected from a girl from Chester, PA. Amiright?

Random Asian Schoolgirl was a lot better than I remembered. Usually what you come to expect when you look up “asian schoolgirl” is a hairy vagina or blurred out dick going into said vagina which can really stop you from fully enjoying that tight little Asian pussy. I mean, who wants to see a blurred out snatch no matter how hairy it is?

The yelping, the pink panties, the pigtails, all give Random Asian Schoolgirl that little extra push she needs to overtake Kelly Divine. It also helps that she didn’t #@$% a dude with a huge cock, which can make you feel better about yourself which you should never discount. So yeah, Random Asian Schoolgirl takes this one. Sorry Kelly Divine.

West Bracket – 16th Seed:

Teagan Presley vs Random Asian Schoolgirl

This was tough.

Teagan Presley is a pretty broad. Look up when she was still a blonde and you’ll see a wide-eyed girl ready to take on any dick hard enough to #@$% her brains out. But things can change very quickly in porno-land. By 2008, after replacing her way too big for her tiny body implants, she announced she was done with boy/girl scenes and hung up her gag ball. A goddamn shame since Teagan could really bring it. When she was on, she was #@$%in’ on. Her performance in this particular video was a real joy.  And in this clip, she was more than happy to perform the always impressive anal creampie… Damn, girl.

Random Asian Schoolgirl countered with a not so impressive performance. Back to the hairy beaver and blurred out privates, Asian Schoolgirl underwhelmed. After coming on strong as the 69th seed, Asian Schoolgirl just didn’t have enough in her tank to take down even the semi-retired Teagan Presley. No amount of yelping or bouncing tits could save Random Asian Schoolgirl from a real smackdown. But points on the sumo-wrestler dressed co-star. He even kept his socks on!

While Teagan Presley is technically retired, I just can’t in good conscience award a win to a blurry vagina. Teagan Presley wins this one pretty handedly. Kudos.

Midwest Bracket – 16th Seed:

Jenaveve Jolie vs Chanel Preston

Battle of the brunettes! A stalwart on the nasty Latina circuit, Jenaveve Jolie has over 300 credits to her name. Starting in 2004, Jenaveve Jolie has been steady grinding and her work rate hasn’t slowed down since. She even found her way into the mainstream with a guest spot on Entourage. To say Jenaveve Jolie is a hard-worker is an understatement. She epitomizes everything that is right with being a professional adult actress.

Unfortunately for her she’s facing off against Chanel Preston. While she may lack the credentials of the wily veteran, Chanel Preston makes up for it in sheer hotness. She’s a fox. Although she doesn’t have the thicker body of Jenaveve, there’s no competition over who I’d rather nut on. And this is where my subjectivity has to rear its ugly face. I value a pretty face pretty highly and that’s not a knock on Jenaveve Jolie’s looks or Chanel Preston’s ability, I just would rather bang Chanel Preston. She’s only been working since 2010 and was nominated for not one but three Best New Starlet awards (AVN, XBIZ, XCritic).

So while I respect any girl who’s put in the work that Jenaveve Jolie has put in, I’m going to have to go with Ms. Chanel Preston based on pure potential. Plus she’s a gagger. Love that sweet, sweet sound.

East Bracket – 16th Seed:

Jesse Jane vs Stoya

I expect to catch a lot of flak for setting up this match-up so early. Jesse Jane is one of the most recognizable names in the biz right now and with a mantle full of awards, she’s something of a powerhouse. Signed to an exclusive contract with Digital Playground almost as soon as she entered the game, she’s been on top for a long time (no pun intended). Her blonde locks, full lips, tiny waist, and big tits give Jesse Jane that classic porn star look. Kind of like an exaggerated Barbie doll. Unfortunately, she seems to be afflicted with “duck face” syndrome. And she’s not quite as active as she used to be, only appearing in a handful of critically-acclaimed features per year. But that’s kind of expected considering she’s built her name up so much that she’s instantly recognized within the mainstream.

Going up against the super-powered Jesse Jane is up-and-comer Stoya. Stoya has a very distinct look to her which has helped her carve out a unique niche in the biz and has opened doors for fellow alt porn girls. Ya know, those girls with the sleeve tattoos, weird piercings, and loose vaginas. Her striking appearance, raven hair, pasty skin, and bright red lips, appeal to a certain demographic that appreciates things like Kerouac and skinny jeans. So if you’re not into hipsters and things like that then she’s probably not for you. Stoya did win AVN’s Best New Starlet Award in 2009, so she must be doing something right. And I kind of dig her.

Is this a changing of the guard? Has the Jesse Jane look run its course? Are hipsters hot? I liked both performances and while Stoya looked great on her back, I think I’m going to have to go with Jesse Jane on this one. She’s loud. She looks like she genuinely loves what she’s doing. She gets into it. Jesse Jane by a tip — just the tip.

South Bracket – 16th Seed:

Capri Cavalli vs Jenna Haze

The battle of the thin brunettes!

Capri Cavalli or Capri Cavanni is really green compared to her opponent Jenna Haze. Ms. Capri Cavalli has fewer than 100 credits in her very young career but she’s made the most of her time in front of the cameras. With her output in 2011 only being rivaled by some of the best-known names in the game, Capri Cavalli does most of her work for the Brazzers network which is one of the biggest producers of HD porn. Yes, porn looks better in HD.

Compare that to Jenna Haze, one of the most prolific adult stars to have ever strapped on a strap-on, and it should be no contest. Jenna Haze, who just recently announced her retirement on youTube, is an institution unto itself. With over 500(!) credits as a performer and a still growing list as director, Jenna Haze has been in every sort of position imaginable. From interracial gangbangs to solo masturbation shows to all-girl scenes, Jenna Haze has done it all and then some. You don’t win Best New Starlet and multiple Female Performer of the Year awards by being a lazy Susan. And you definitely don’t start your own studio by being outworked. Jenna Haze is a testament to the Puritan work ethic — you have to put in the work and Lord knows Jenna Haze has put it in. In every hole.

But while Jenna Haze is officially retired, I look at this match-up as more of a passing of the guard than a win. Kind of like a swan song for Jenna Haze, she’s moving on as should we. While I loved the girl and the spunk, she’s done with sticking things inside of her. So let’s applaud her achievements and thank her for all the memories. Capri Cavalli moves on and hopefully she’s ready to take up the mantle as the next big skinny brunette with a voracious appetite for the dick.

And there you have it.

9 porn stars entered, but only 4 move on as the 16th seeds.