Category Archives: Things I’d Rather Do

4 Things I’d Rather Do Than Watch Twilight: Breaking Dawn

Over the weekend, the newest entry into the Twilight “saga” was unleashed upon humanity. It grossed over $139.5 million. Its audience was mostly comprised of females (a stunning 80%) and women (60% older than 21). That is insane. You know how wet those seats must’ve gotten when that pasty-faced vampire sucker sauntered onto the screen? Sweet Baby Jesus…

$139.5 million is a ton of tickets. A lot of people went to this movie. I, thankfully, was not one of them.

Four things I’d rather do than watch Twilight:

1. Jump off a bridge

2. Make love to a venus fly trap

3. Drink the Kool-Aid

4. "Horse around" with Jerry Sandusky

4 Things I’d Rather Do Than Watch New Year’s Eve

Sarah Jessica Parker, Jessica Biel, Ashton Kutcher, Zac Efron, that whiny bitch from Glee, Josh “Mr. Fergie” Duhamel, Jon Bon Jovi, Katherine #@$%ing Heigl, Halle Berry, Ludacris, Seth Meyers, Alyssa Milano, Abigail Breslin, Ryan Seacrest, Sofia Vergara, Russell Peters, Carla Gugino, Sienna Miller, Sara Paxton, Hilary Swank, Robert DeNiro, Michelle Pfeiffer… Robert DeNiro?!

#@$%!

Four things I’d rather do than watch New Year’s Eve:

1. Gouge my own eyes out

2. Eat shit

3. Swallow a bullet

4. Drive off a cliff