4½ Cults Probably Not As Crazy As The Church Of Scientology

Last week, Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise.

This will be not one… not two… but three marriages that have ended in divorce for Mr. Mission Impossible. And a lot of people have pointed to Tom Cruise’s blind devotion to The Cult Church of Scientology as the reason why.

I don’t know anything more than anyone else, but if you ask me it’s definitely why Katie Holmes filed for divorce. I mean, if you believe in a space opera involving an alien race and leveling up by donating more money, then I hate to say it, but you’re in a cult, bro.

Thankfully, this is America where we don’t persecute our citizens for their religious beliefs and it’s why we have more cults than we have fingers. And why the #@$% not? Sex, murder, and daddy issues are the very foundations upon which NoRubbers was built on.

Four and a half cults probably not as crazy as The Church of Scientology:

1. Peoples Temple

Jim Jones spitting hot fire!

Jim Jones, not to be confused with this Jim Jones, made this cult famous for not only coining the phrase, “drinking the Kool-Aid” but also for masterminding the mass suicide of 918 poor suckas. Shit! That’s almost the population of Bumblefuck, MI! The Peoples Temple was known for its communal lifestyle and fake healing services. When the organization moved from its first church in Indianapolis to San Francisco, Jim Jones and his followers faced fierce media scrutiny forcing them to start a commune in Guyana. This would be the home to over 900 people by 1978. And after killing atagonistic Congressman Leo Ryan, Jim Jones was encourage everyone to drink the cyanide laced Kool-Aid which claimed so many lives that no one wanted to drink Kool-Aid ever again. Believe it or not, the cult started when Jim Jones tried to integrate blacks into a Methodist church in Indianapolis. And while its early roots may have been borne out of Communism, Jim Jones considered himself a Commie, the Peoples Temple slowly devolved into a radical political organization that supported spanking children and adults. Sounds like a great time to me!

2. Branch Davidians

This did not end well

If you were looking for yet another reason to not trust vegetarians, here’s one: They may be members of “The Branch” — a sect of Seventh Day Adventists who basically believed that the Jews were right and the Christians had it all wrong. Except for the whole Jesus was God thing, Davidians believed that Saturday was the true Sabbath and that Jesus will come back to move everyone to Israel. So, besides the whole strict vegetarian and organic foods thing, Davidians don’t sound so bad, right? That was until David Koresh came into town. Koresh was already kicked out of The Church of Seventh Day Adventists, but somehow found a way to break all the rules of The Branch Davidians, like keep multiple wives, eat meat, deal firearms, and bring the Alphabet Boys into town for a siege at Waco. Oh, and he also found a way to convince everyone that he should be able to shack up with any of his followers’ wives and/or daughters. Sounds like a kid I knew from junior high.

3. Church of Latter Day Saints (Mormonism)

Don’t do it, bro

Mormons are a wild bunch. But they also seem to be doing something right. Clearly, if the Republicans can nominate a Mormon to the presidency, they’ve done what no other cult has accomplished, which is achieve political power. Mormonism started as a sect of Christianity founded on the translated texts by their “prophet”, Joseph Smith. Joseph Smith claims to have translated the texts from gold plates he found buried in upstate New York which were written in “reformed Egyptian” (a language that doesn’t exist). The texts claim Jesus was in America at one point after his resurrection and that there were no Native Americans, blacks, or gays around. I made that last part up but so did Joseph Smith.

4. Manson Family

Charlie’s angels

Charles Manson is a sick #@$%. He also, most definitely, had a lot more sex than I have. His early years were filled with criminal activity ranging from armed robbery to grand theft auto to forging checks and finally to pimping. This led to several years in jail across America. By 1967, Charles Manson was living with 19 women, one of whom gave birth to his son, “Pooh Bear”. In 1968 Manson would listen to The White Album and declare that a race war, referred to as Helter Skelter, was imminent. This would eventually lead to his growing paranoia and subsequent plots to viciously murder Sharon Tate and Leno LaBianca in an attempt to incite the race wars. Which never came. Well, not really. (Crazy fact: Charles Manson identified himself as a Scientologist when he entered prison in 1961.)

4½. The Catholic Church

Believe in a Virgin Mother “touched” by God

Takes their orders from a man in a pointy hat

Preach that a man turned water into wine — now that I want to believe!