2012 Grammy Performers I’d Totally Bang

Last night America watched the 2012 Grammy Awards in hopes of seeing and hearing something they haven’t experienced before. Most of us changed the channel before they got to the Whitney Houston tribute. For those of you who stuck out long enough to watch Adele win more awards than she’s got arms, I commend you. There was no way I was going to sit comfortably on my couch and watch any more than I needed to. Thankfully, I saw just enough to make a list of Grammy performers I’d totally bang.

2012 Grammy Performers I’d Totally Bang

1. Taylor Swift         

Taylor Swift & The Farm Hands

Stop acting so surprised!

There, that's more like it. Act like you been there before.

What a doll. I could honestly watch her sing about boys and strum her guitar with her massively long arms for hours half an hour. She’s cute as all hell and she’s supremely talented. I mean, if I had hands as big as hers I don’t think I’d be able to all the things she’s done in her career because I’d be way too self-conscious. +1 for inviting the entire farm. -1 for not dancing.

2. Katy Perry         

"Whoo! I'm an alien!"

"Whoo! Space! Plastic! Blue Hair! I'm out there!"

Bitch, what the #@$% are you wearing? You some crazed superhero now? I’ve put up with a lot of crazy pop princesses in my lifetime and right now I just can’t handle another. Blue hair? Fine. Plastic Xena costume? You’ve gone too far… Put on something that accentuates your best assets — like a deep plunging neckline. You know, to best show off your tits. Then just stand on stage and dance suggestively. I don’t want to hear you sing about your ex-husband and how he didn’t take his half of your money. I already figured he was retarded.

Katy, you could learn how to dress from Rihanna.

3. Rihanna         

Mmm... I bet she loves it from the back.

What'd I tell you?

Mmm… Rihanna #GoodGod

4. Adele        

You can "Roll In My Deep" anytime, boo.

"Count 'em. I got six, bitch!"

Yeah, she’s kind of chubby but she’s supremely talented and unapologetic about her weight and self-consciousness. She also smokes cigarettes which might have led to her recent throat surgery. So what? I #@$%in’ <3 this broad. Although I wouldn’t mind never hearing her speak in her godawful cockney accent ever again. Anyone else vote to have her sing everything she says from now on?

Yeah, hopefully that’ll be the last time we all hear that song for a little while.

5. Jennifer Hudson         

What a classy broad. That tribute to musical icon Whitney Houston was great. And it was all thanks to Jennifer Hudson, who continues to up her hottie factor by exponents since Dreamgirls and Weight Watchers. And since this author is far from classy let me just ask you what do these next few photos make you think of?

Umm...

Uhh....

Ahh... Right?

And here’s what everyone stayed up late for.