Here Are Your GOP Candidates For 2012

Last night, CNN aired what promises to be the first, and twenlfth, of many more ridiculously stupid debates amongst the many ridiculously stupid Republican 2012 candidates. Woot.

Technically, you are still in the running to be America's Next Top Model, I mean, President

The debate focused primarily on national security and foreign policy. Most of the candidates failed miserably — because when put together, they share half a brain. If these bozos are the best the G.O.P. can trot out come 2012, well then, Republicans are as dumb as they sound. In between the harping, the hemming and hawing, and the flip-flopping, I came up with a cheat sheet to help me keep track of just who the hell I was watching.

GOP Candidates for 2012

1. Newt Gingrich         

Former Speaker of The House and the clear leader after last night’s debate considering he sounded the most polished and coherent out of all the possible candidates (which looks to be pretty easy). His “humane” stance on immigrants will draw some ire, but he’s got the right approach. Just sit quietly and say something smart when called upon — a strategy that worked wonders throughout my school years. I’ve honestly got nothing bad to say about him. Not even his name bothers me… Okay, if there’s one thing I can pick at it’s gotta be his weight. We can’t have a pudgy faced President. No sir, time to put down the Butterfingers and hit the elliptical, chubbs.

2. Herman Cain          

A businessman from Georgia who made his name and fortune by building a vast pizza empire in the Midwest, Herman Cain knows how to make money by selling what I assume to be terrible pizza. He shot up through the polls and by mid-October was the lead nominee, but a swath of sexual harassment charges and continually poor showings in televised debates have slowed his roll. You’d think someone who has the talent to sing like an angel would be better equipped to argue with idiots.

3. Michele Bachmann         

God, is this bitch annoying. She might be smarter than Sarah Palin, but only by a smidgen. And she doesn’t have the redeeming quality of sexy glasses to save her. I can’t even watch this trick on mute! She’s dumb and very confrontational. Notice how fast she was ready to jump down Romney’s throat or into Huntman’s pants. She’s got no shame, which kind of explains why she’s slipping in the polls. Also doesn’t help that she wants to bomb the entire Middle East, starting with Pakistan and Iran. When will Republicans learn that they should leave the talking to the men?

4. Rick Santorum         

Google his name. Then remember he hates immigrants and supports racial profiling. Google his name again. Then laugh because he hates gays. Those gays, they’re a spiteful bunch aren’t they?

5. Rick Perry         

I’ve never seen a picture of him without a gun in his hand or in the background. He must be from Texas. He is from Texas. He doesn’t believe in evolution or social security. He believes one of them, or maybe both, to be a Ponzi Scheme. He doesn’t mind immigrants according to a bill he signed into law this fall, but who’s keeping track?

6. Jon Huntsman          

The runner-up in most people’s eyes. His experience as a foreign ambassador and Governor served him well in this debate, as he was able to go toe to toe with anyone who had another stupid idea. He looks like a potential President. Unfortunately he’s Mormon. If elected president, the Church of Latter Day Saints would become the most powerful cult in America. That would be bad, because it would give Muslim countries potential ammo for some great political cartoons. Too bad no one invited his daughters. Could’ve used some eye candy.

7. Mitt Romney         

He’s a goddamn Mormon. And former Governor of Massachusetts! The left-over candidate from 2008, Romney has proven to the doubters that he’s got some staying power. His performance during the debate was just okay, until he was able to lock horns with Jon Huntsman over the issue of pulling out troops in Afghanistan. Jon Huntsman is his third-cousin, once removed. Kind of got started on the whole arguing with family at Thanksgiving early, didn’t he?

8. Ron Paul         

My favorite candidate. He’s got no shot in hell, but goddamnit if he’s not my guy. Ron Paul has built his candidacy up by sticking to his outsider persona and raising hell whenever he can. He’s a Republican only in name. His stance on the war on drugs (end it), legalization of marijuana (do it), and the “unpatriotness” of the Patriot Act were just some of the talking points that will likely give conservatives heart palpitations. I like this guy. There’s gotta be a reason why they keep inviting him to these sort of things, right? C’mon, America!