Soo-wee, Irene got a big ole ass!
Having already survived an earthquake (Earthquake 2011 Baby! Whoo!) and having watched hours of Man vs. Wild Man v. Food, I now fancy myself a sort of expert when it comes to natural disasters.
So with that, I bring you some things you should probably know about hurricanes in the off-chance you plan on surviving the impending East Coast exclusive — Hurricane Irene. Follow these tips and things’ll blow over before you know it. See what I just did there?
Three and a half things you should probably know:
1. Do not be a hero. Get the #@$% outta there. No one wants to hear how brave you are or how your home is all you’ve got left. Hurricanes can wreak havoc. With winds reaching an upwards of 195 mph, hurricanes bring with them violent storms, unrelenting rains, and severe flooding. It ain’t no joke. They are actually suspending MTA subway service tomorrow at 12 PM. Don’t even bother boarding up your shit, stocking up on water, grabbing flashlights, and bracing for impact. You ain’t no Helen Hunt, bitch.
Big girls just wanna have fun
2. Hurricanes are named after big girls. Most of the time. Since 1979, they’ve added male names to the lists meteorologists use for picking out storm names. So while you’ll always have the option of a Franklin, Harvey, or Nate, most of the time I’m gonna be naming a big bad storm after the fat girl I passed along to my friends because a girl named Bertha would probably snap my dick in half. A lot of dudes quiver at the mere whisper of a name like Gert, Olga, and Beryl, so you get why Irene is already having me shake in my boots. And if you’re lucky and that storm is a killer, well that name gets retired. So no more Katrinas. Sorry, too soon?
Hang tight
the chronic fornicator
pudge NASTY
