Soo-wee, Irene got a big ole ass!
Having already survived an earthquake (Earthquake 2011 Baby! Whoo!) and having watched hours of
Man vs. Wild Man v. Food, I now fancy myself a sort of expert when it comes to natural disasters.
So with that, I bring you some things you should probably know about hurricanes in the off-chance you plan on surviving the impending East Coast exclusive — Hurricane Irene. Follow these tips and things’ll blow over before you know it. See what I just did there?
Three and a half things you should probably know:
Do not be a hero. Get the #@$% outta there. No one wants to hear how brave you are or how your home is all you’ve got left. Hurricanes can wreak havoc. With winds reaching an upwards of 195 mph, hurricanes bring with them violent storms, unrelenting rains, and severe flooding. It ain’t no joke. They are actually suspending MTA subway service tomorrow at 12 PM. Don’t even bother boarding up your shit, stocking up on water, grabbing flashlights, and bracing for impact. You ain’t no Helen Hunt, bitch.
Big girls just wanna have fun
2. Hurricanes are named after big girls. Most of the time. Since 1979, they’ve added male names to the lists meteorologists use for picking out storm names. So while you’ll always have the option of a Franklin, Harvey, or Nate, most of the time I’m gonna be naming a big bad storm after the fat girl I passed along to my friends because a girl named Bertha would probably snap my dick in half. A lot of dudes quiver at the mere whisper of a name like Gert, Olga, and Beryl, so you get why Irene is already having me shake in my boots. And if you’re lucky and that storm is a killer, well that name gets retired. So no more Katrinas. Sorry, too soon?
Posted in Lesson Learned
Tagged BBW, big girl, danger, East Coast, eye of the storm, Helen Hunt, humor, hurricane, Hurricane Irene, Lesson Learned, make it rain, Miami Hurricanes, natural disaster, New York City, storm, survival, The U, tips, tropical cyclone, tropical storm, twister, University of Miami
Lindsay Lohan is 25 years old. She started off as a children’s fashion model before transitioning into acting, singing, and finally, getting arrested.
Emma Stone is 22 years old. She spent much of her childhood in Arizona where she acted in several theater productions before pursuing a career in Hollywood.
While both girls are known for their sultry red locks, Emma Stone is a natural blonde while Lindsay Lohan prefers to be just another dumb blonde.
Both ladies are no strangers to unwanted sexual advances, having had issues dealing with declarations of love from creepy admirers.
And so according to the stars — Lindsay Lohan could’ve been Emma Stone.
When Lindsay Lohan first stole our hearts in The Parent Trap, everyone had her pegged as the cutest thing since Furbies. We should’ve known better. With her next big role starring opposite Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday, Lindsay Lohan’s star was on the rise. This was in 2003. In 2004, she would star in the critically acclaimed Mean Girls. But after a series of flops and a growing rap sheet, the rest, as they say in showbiz, is history. Now a lightning rod of controversy and mainstay of the tabloid pages, she is no longer considered a serious actress.
Emma Stone was homeschooled after dropping out of high school at the age of 15, when she moved to Los Angeles with her mother. She would audition during the day, landing herself small parts on T.V. shows like Medium, Malcolm In The Middle, and Drive. It would not be until 2007 when Emma Stone was cast as the heart of Jonah Hill’s affection in Superbad that she would become the next best thing since cheese in a can. Roles in The House Bunny and Zombieland would soon follow before she was finally given a chance to carry a movie on her own. That movie would be Easy A, which promptly propelled her to A-List status. Now, she’ll be starring alongside Andrew Garfield in The Amazing Spider-Man.
Lindsay, you could’ve been Emma Stone! Must suck to be you.
Posted in Charting The Stars
Tagged babes, blonde, career, celebrity, Charting The Stars, chick, comparison, cute, Easy A, Emma Stone, Freaky Friday, hot, hottie, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Lindz, Mean Girls, redhead, Riley Stone, stardom, Superbad, Tale of the Tape, The Parent Trap, trajectory, Zombieland