Charlie Sheen isn’t crazy.
On the scale of Nic Cage loony to Mel Gibson mad, Charlie Sheen is definitely on the lower end of that spectrum. He’s not crazy, just severely misunderstood. When you make a go at things only halfway, you’re bound to look foolish. Charlie Sheen, if you can even begin to fathom it, is only halfway there. Let’s give him some time so he can get to where he wants to be.
Charlie Sheen’s rant, which if you haven’t heard by now means you must have a life, is a spectacular display of degenerative disillusionment. Mostly because half the stuff he said was funnier than the shit he spits out on his sitcom.
“You have the right to kill me, but you do not have the right to judge me.”
“Vatican assassins”? They’re real. Conspiracy theorist Mark Lomabardi spent the last years of his life charting them out. Following in the footsteps of Michele Sindona and Roberto Calvi, Lombardi was sure of a Holy Order of Hitmen contracted by the Vatican to do its biddings. Charlie Sheen must’ve seen Mark Lombardi’s work before it went out to the public. Not unimaginable. I mean, dude’s got a private jet.
“Goddesses”? He’s #@$%ing porn stars, big deal. Did you guys forget this man was already caught #@$%ing prostitutes provided by Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss? I mean that’s what a porn star is — someone who has sex for money, because it’s their job. Sometimes there are cameras recording the action, but most of the time it’s just high-rolling johns looking to get a nut off. And let’s be real for a second, these girls aren’t jet-setting superstars. A little taste of the charmed life never hurt nobody. Charlie Sheen’s just being generous with his millions.
“Chaim”? Charlie Sheen isn’t an anti-semite. He’s not coming from the same place as Mel Gibson whose venom bubbles over from a deep underbelly of hate. Charlie Sheen is a self-loathing man pointing out his own hypocrisies in illustrating how Chuck Lorre abused his status as showrunner to insult him. He’s puffing up his chest and defending himself. In other words, his feelings got hurt. This is nothing more than a playground argument and should be settled like one. Men argue. Bitches talk. Let them be men and sort out their differences. They need each other more than they probably care to admit and if they can’t find some way to peacefully coexist for the four, five months it takes to film the highest rated sitcom on TV, then they’re both shit out of luck.
“You either love, or you hate … and you must do so violently”? Charlie Sheen isn’t there yet, but he’s determined to take up the mantle of bizarre behavior that Dennis Hopper so effortlessly made look natural. Charlie Sheen is halfway there to deranged, but he’s at a crossroad right now. Even if he never steps another foot onto Warner Bros.’ lot, he’s gonna get work. He’s going to get paid. And he’s going to have to ask himself what his legacy will be. Will he remembered for his character roles that made him into the juggernaut that he is or will he be remembered for spiraling deeper into this manic level of rage and depravity? Choose your vice.